Family therapist Jennifer Kolari has been practicing the “mirroring” method with her young patients for years with great success. Now, her book Connected Parenting™ teaches parents how to apply the groundbreaking technique when dealing with their own children. Intrigued? So were we.
What is the difference between mirroring and empathic or active listening?
All of these work very well, but mirroring is a different technique. In general, mirroring is reflecting the person's feelings and experiences back without observational statements like, "It sounds like you are..." or "You must feel..." It takes some practice and commitment to use it carefully and smoothly so it sounds natural, but it is well worth the effort. Mirroring is a beautiful way to parent and it really does bring out the best in you and your child.
Therapists who use this technique are trained for several years to be able to use it smoothly and effectively. Not all therapists are trained in this particular model. There is always room to polish the techniques and improve your style, speed, and ease. The more you use it, the more it will strengthen the connection between you and your child, which improves your child's resilience, self-esteem, and level of confidence.
You talk about mirroring having a positive impact on the brain why is that?
Have you ever watched the intimate interactions between a baby and their parent? All the cooing and copying of the baby’s facial expressions and sounds? When we do this, we let our babies know that we understand them and we reflect that understanding back by copying and imitating them. This is instinctive for most of us; we don’t need to be taught how to speak to a baby. Babies love this, all this mirroring calms and soothes them and helps them to feel safe with what is happening around them. These interactions are critical to development and have a profound impact on the how the brain functions.
As our children get older we begin to drop this natural mirroring from our repertoire, but continuing to mirror in age-appropriate ways is very powerful. It helps kids to instantly feel understood and to de-escalate. Mirroring actually bypasses logical thought and goes right in to the deeper brain centers that regulate emotion. It calms us, soothes us and helps us to organize what we are feeling. It is vital for children to feel understood and nurtured. It is important for their development, mental health, self esteem, and social functioning. The more pleasant experiences their brain has, the more the brain specializes for positive emotion.
What can you do about your child’s rude behaviour? Why should you show empathy for them when they are being so rude?
If you have been consistently reprimanding and scolding your child for his rudeness and he is still doing it, it's time to try something different. Demonstrating that you are trying to understand his point of view and mirroring that back to him will help him to de-escalate. If you are not being defensive, he will have trouble being defensive. He will calm down and be more likely to change his behaviour. This is not easy and it is not what we feel like doing but it is a great model and a wonderful lesson in self-control for your kids. You can and should consequence your child for his behaviour, and still be empathic at the same time. It is incredibly difficult to do this every time but if you can try to do it more often, that is a great start. Over time his behaviour will improve and mirroring will become easier.
What happens when a couple disagrees on how to manage their child’s behaviour?
It is really common for parents to begin to compensate for what they think are weaknesses in the others parenting. This can make things worse forcing us to polarize instead of work together. Remember that mirroring is only one part of the equation. You connect first, creating safety in the conversation, and then you set limits, if necessary. The model asks that you be very nurturing but very consistent as well. This allows couples to emphasize being both nurturing and firm. This helps couples with very different parenting styles to become tighter as a unit, enhancing instead of undermining one another.
How long will it take to see results?
If you stick to the model and make every effort to use these techniques in your repertoire, you should see immediate results in terms of de-escalation. Over time, you will begin to see behavior settle down with shorter tantrums, faster recovery times from upsets, and fewer meltdowns and tantrums. If anxiety is the issue, you should also begin to see that decrease. Barring any major external life events and depending on the severity of your child's difficulties, behavioral changes should be noticeable within 4 months.
If you just mirror your child all the time, won't he expect everyone to do this for him?
I love this question because, in fact, the opposite is true. The more you do it, the less he will need others to do it. Every time you connect well, it's like a layer of paint that just gets thicker and thicker, building up the child from the inside out.
Children are smart - won't they just think they’re being manipulated? Won't they find this patronizing?
It depends on your intent. If you are trying to manipulate, that is how it will be interpreted and if you are patronizing her, she will experience it that way. If you are non-defensive and truly motivated by trying to understand what your child is feeling at that moment, if you are genuinely feeling empathy that is what your child will feel and you will be able to connect very deeply. That is what will make your child feel very safe and very loved. Once you get confident at the technique it will begin to feel seamless and very conversational, it should not feel like a technique it should feel very natural. It is important to note that you don’t have to wait for your child to be upset to mirror. You can mirror when he is happy as well!